best funny quotes ever

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ~Victor Borge



The neurotic thinks himself both Hamlet and Claudius, in a world that belongs to Polonius. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960



In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller



Sweet is the memory of distant friends! Like the mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart. ~Washington Irving



After a night in fight club, everything in the real world gets the volume turned down. Nothing can piss you off. Your word is law, and if other people break that law or question you, even that doesn't piss you off. ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 6



When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe



He who loves the bristle of bayonets only sees in the glitter what beforehand he feels in his heart. It is avarice and hatred; it is that quivering lip, that cold, hating eye, which built magazines and powder-houses. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson



I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ~George Carlin



The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. ~Rebecca Pepper Sinkler



What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public. ~From the movie Tommy Boy



It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. ~Dave Barry



Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day. ~Nicholas Chamfort



The Internet has been the most fundamental change during my lifetime and for hundreds of years. ~Rupert Murdoch



The problem with fundamentalists insisting on a literal interpretation of the Bible is that the meaning of words change. A prime example is 'Spare the rod, spoil the child.' A rod was a stick used by shepherds to guide their sheep to go in the desired direction. Shepherds did not use it to beat their sheep. The proper translation of the saying is 'Give your child guidance, or they will go astray.' It does not mean 'Beat the shit out of your child or he will become rotten' as many fundamentalist parents seem to belive. ~Author Unknown



We get nose jobs all the time in the NHL, and we don't even have to go to the hospital. ~Brad Park We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Author Unknown



The trouble with having a stubbornness contest with your kids is that they have your stubbornness gene. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com



All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin



Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. ~Author Unknown



The basis of optimism is sheer terror. ~Oscar Wilde



We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it. ~Author Unknown